The Year of the Comet Read online

  AD VERBUM

  Translation of this publication and the creation of its layout were carried out with the financial support of the Federal Agency for Press and Mass Communication under the federal target program “Culture of Russia (2012-2018).”

  The publication was effected under the auspices of the Mikhail Prokhorov Foundation TRANSCRIPT Programme to Support Translations of Russian Literature.

  New Vessel Press

  www.newvesselpress.com

  First published in Russian in 2014 as God Komety

  Copyright © 2014 Sergei Lebedev

  Translation Copyright © 2017 Antonina W. Bouis

  All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in a newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or website review, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher.

  Cover design: Liana Finck

  Book design: Beth Steidle

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Lebedev, Sergei

  [God Komety. English]

  The Year of the Comet/ Sergei Lebedev; translation by Antonina W. Bouis.

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-1-939931-41-2

  Library of Congress Control Number 2016915499

  I. Russia—Fiction

  and now faint with fear, the miserable Lares

  scramble to the back of the shrine,

  shoving each other and stumbling,

  one little god falling over another,

  because they know what kind of sound that is,

  know by now the footsteps of the Furies.

  C. P. Cavafy, “Footsteps”

  Translated by Edmund Keeley / Philip Sherrard

  CONTENTS

  PART ONE

  PART TWO

  PART THREE

  PART FOUR

  PART ONE

  CHILD OF AN EARTHQUAKE

  I was born in the afternoon of March 14, when a fault opened deep below Bucharest.

  The inky tips of seismographic recording needles trembled as the tectonic blow rolled through the Carpathians toward Kiev and Moscow, gradually receding. The face of the world was distorted, as if in a fun-house mirror: avalanches fell from mountains, asphalt roads buckled, railroad tracks turned into snakes. Flags shook on flagpoles, automatic guns rang out in arsenals, barbed wire across state borders broke under the strain; chandeliers in apartments and frozen carcasses in meat processing plants swung like metronomes; furniture on upper floors swayed and scraped. The thousand-kilometer convulsion of the earth’s uterus gave a gentle push to the concrete capsules of missile silos, shook coal onto the heads of miners, and lifted trawlers and destroyers on a wave’s swell.

  My mother was in the maternity ward, but her contractions had not started. The tectonic wave reached Moscow, shook the limestone bedrock of the capital, ran along the floating aquifers of rivers, gently grasped the foundations and pilings; an enormous invisible hand shook the skyscrapers, the Ostankino and Shukhov towers, water splashed against the gates of river locks; dishes rattled in hutches, window glass trembled. People called the police—“our house is shaking”—some ran outside, others headed straight for the bomb shelters. Of course, there was no general panic, but this was the first time since the German bombing that Moscow reeled; it was only at quarter strength, but it was enough to awaken the deepest historical fears. They surged for a second, these fears: of nuclear war, the collapse of the country, the destruction of the capital; few people admitted that they had experienced these fears, everybody talked instead about a slight confused fright, but they were lying.

  Mother worked at the Ministry of Geology and was part of a special commission that studied the causes and consequences of natural disasters. She had seen the ruins of Tashkent, the ruins on the Kuril Islands and in Dagestan, thousands of people without shelter, destroyed homes, buckled rail tracks, cracks seemingly leading straight to hell. When the maternity ward was shaken by a gentle wave from the center of the earth, my mother was the only person to understand what was happening, and the unexpectedness of it, the fear that the earth’s tremor had pursued her and found her in the safety of Moscow and induced her into labor.

  The earthquake was my first impression of being: the world was revealed to me as instability, shakiness, the wobbliness of foundations. My father was a scholar, a specialist in catastrophe theory, and his child was born at the moment of the manifestation of forces that he studied, as he lived, without knowing it, in unison with the cycles of earth, water, wind, comets, eclipses, and solar flares, and I, his flesh and blood, appeared as the child of these cycles.

  My parents were wary of this coincidence from the start, they thought it a bad sign. Therefore they entrusted me to my grandmothers, hiding me in a sewing box with thread and yarn, among the accouterments of geriatric life. My grandmothers, who had suffered so much, lost brothers, sisters, and husbands, but had survived all the events of the age, were to give me refuge in the peaceful flow of their lives, bring me up on the margins, far from real time, as if deep in the woods or on a lost farmstead. But—and I will tell you about this later—the nearness of my grandmothers merely intensified the sensation it was supposed to heal.

  Why did my parents, who were not superstitious or given to reading meanings into things, still worry about the portent of the earthquake? My mother could not get pregnant for a long time. The doctors were stumped because all her signs were normal; at last, an old doctor, a professor, changed tack. Instead of asking about family illnesses and rechecking all her blood and other samples, he had a long and detailed conversation with my mother about the family’s history. She did not understand the purpose but she told him everything she knew—she clutched at every straw.

  The professor said that she was not the only patient he had like her; in many women he saw an unconscious fear of motherhood connected to the great number of violent deaths the previous generation had suffered. He suggested they go somewhere extremely peaceful, where nothing would remind her of time, history, or the past. Mother was ready to take the suggestion, but my father resisted at first; he thought that the problem was between them as man and woman, not in history or psychology. But they went.

  In those years, the Soviet Union was building hydroelectric stations, and reservoirs were supposed to flood enormous areas along the Siberian riverbeds. My parents took probably the only unscheduled vacation of their lives and headed out to the zone of future flooding. They spent a month there; my father had a friend in the construction administration, and they were housed comfortably in an abandoned house of a buoy keeper at the foot of the cliff, a tall granite remnant that had to be demolished so that it did not interfere with shipping on the future sea.

  It was a place of great emptiness and silence. Hunters’ huts dotted trails and roads. Letters no longer reached this region, since the mail codes and addresses had been deleted in advance of the flooding, just like the telephone numbers of the former kolkhoz offices; the villages didn’t appear on the new maps ready for printing. The animals left the river valley, the people were gone, and even the fish, as if sensing that soon water would flood the banks, either lay low in the bottom holes or swam upriver.

  In a Robinson Crusoe world consisting of house, rowboat, fishing nets, firewood, stove, food supplies, and rifle, my parents lived in a time that they had never experienced before or since; I don’t think they even took photographs, although they brought a camera.

  There, in the ideal nowhere, a place that is now forever underwater, I was conceived. And I was born in the tremor of an earthquake, as if my parents’ plan had been disc
overed and the big world sent a menacing message to the one they had hoped to hide from fate.

  My feelings, my ability to feel, were fashioned by that underground blow. I had trouble understanding anything to do with stability, immutability, and firmness, even though I wanted those states I could not achieve; disharmony was closer and more understandable than harmony.

  When I took walks in the city, I was attracted by old houses, sinking and decrepit. Cracks in walls and windows, cracks on the sidewalk which children sometimes try to avoid, cracks in the marble siding of the metro joined into a complex network for me, as if the entire world was tormented by secret tensions.

  Kaleidoscopes and puzzles where you had to make a figure out of parts did not elicit curiosity, but a morbid, stubborn interest—not so much to put the pieces together as to observe how the whole can be reassembled and disassembled.

  Objects that had lost their companions—a single mitten, a shoe left alone while the other was being repaired, a domino dropped in the playground—called me to understand how they lived in their insufficiency.

  Even though I knew I would be punished, I would sometimes drop a cup to experience the moment of the vessel’s irremediable loss and the irreversibility of time. Grown-ups tried to teach me to be careful—for them spoilage, breakage, even accidental, was tantamount to a crime. They lived as if there were a finite number of things, and a broken shot glass could not be replaced by another; a lack of care for things would lead to having none at all, a regression into the Stone Age, animal skins, digging sticks, and flint axes.

  The grown-ups seemed to be constantly mending the world, aged, worn, carelessly used; they thought that loss was the result of age. But when Father cemented the dacha’s foundation that had cracked from the earth’s spring turbulence, I thought it was not the foundation’s age that was at fault—rather, the future was hidden inside the cracks and it was growing out, like leaves or bushes on old facades, crumbling the exterior.

  They sometimes made me listen to classical music, but I was tormented by its harmonies, sensing that the world wasn’t made that way, it didn’t have form and discipline, and I sought other sounds that would correspond to my picture of sensations. I found them at the German cemetery, where we went a few times a year to tend the family plot.

  Stars, insignias, rifles, propellers; captains, majors, colonels—every third or fourth tombstone had a photo, their faces still youthful. The cemetery was dispassionate proof of what the country had done for a century and where its men had gone; the saturation of war was so strong that I sometimes expected medals and orders to grow on trees instead of leaves.

  Among the old graves there were Germans of previous centuries: someone called Hans Jacob Straub, physician and apothecary. The Russian names alternated with German names, as if it were a total list of losses after a fierce battle. I thought the corpses had to be uncomfortable there, underground, lying in graves as if in the trenches, and that some deceased general had taken command in order to free our soil from the German-Fascist invaders.

  The quieter and more reconciled the cemetery seemed on a clear fall day, the more horrible, deep and persistent seemed the underground struggle that supplanted eternity for those who did not believe in it. The cemetery land, dug up and crumbly, often sank, buckled, tossed up stones, swallowed fences, tilted tomb-stones, and squeezed out tree roots—I imagined these were traces of underground attacks: recognizing only the enemy, the corpses dug underground passages with their fingernails, stormed burial vaults, and broke into other people’s rotting coffins.

  Suddenly, with terrifying noise, the wind tunnels of the nearby aviation plant roared over the cemetery. During the war, jet fighters were tested there with compressed air. A prehistoric animal, the mastodon of all mastodons, roared, its voice bigger than the cemetery, bigger than the city, it even put a stop to the silent underground war and suspended my heart, which lost its beat, in the emptiness; the power of the sound was so great it turned into the sound of power.

  Yet my parents went on cleaning the area as if nothing happened, scraping off the persistent moss and sweeping leaves. But I was certain: yes, the world was built on discord, yes, my sensations were truthful, in the way that the sensation of the nearness of bad weather, of high pressure, of electrically charged air before a storm was truthful. The roar of the wind tunnels over the family graves became the sound of the past, the sound of history, the sound of its ruthless elemental power, and I listened to it almost gratefully. It explained in a manifest physical manner what forces were tearing apart and oppressing our family and what echoes of events lived in it; it tore off the covers to reveal the very core, the very essence.

  LEGACY OF THE DEAD

  With the birth of a child, a family’s fate awakens, its postponed powers going into action; the diagram of relationships changes, for now there is a new center of gravity.

  Everything that connects people, amity, arguments, insoluble contradictions that have become a form of existence lose their static nature and move into the active phase. The clashes over the crib involve not just will and character, but the joint legacy that will exist in the child, unchanged, or that will not take, or become part of the new creature’s life.

  Every family in the USSR was “overloaded” by history; the family space did not protect you from anything, it had lost its autonomy. Too many people had died before their time, and the family remained exposed to the crossfire of history, constantly reconfiguring itself to the intensity of the losses, finding a replacement for once significant figures.

  Probably every family at any time lives like that. But there seems to be a threshold for loss, after which there is a quantitative change. The family stops being a communal entity unfolded in time, built on values and meanings, and it becomes simplified, moving into a reactive existence within opaque zones where you can hide from time and the state.

  You are born inside certain relations that become “family” to you simply by the inertia of language: father, mother, grandmothers, son, grandson. These people have warmth, closeness, sincere feelings. But essentially they are a multilayered, complexly organized conflict, and an insoluble one because the conflict does not arise from personalities. A child’s life in such a family is not at all necessarily horrible, the child can be loved and spoiled, but he still feels that below the cover of daily existence and the concord of communal life, there are tectonically active layers saturated with blood that is hardly symbolic.

  A child grows in a field of conflict greater than his horizon of comprehension, inheriting historical anxiety as a background and milieu of life.

  Name and surname is the first and tightest tie to the family; but often I did not want to have either. I was afraid when I saw my name written somewhere, for example on a medical document, inaccessible to me but “signaling” my existence.

  I seemed to know how dossiers are gathered and stored, how questionnaires and personnel files lie for years in cardboard boxes, how the bureaucratic machine strives to “tie” things up, combining a person and his name, so that neither can escape the other and the person is always identified precisely.

  The fear of lists of names, the fear that your name would become a thread tying you to arrested relatives, that they could take you away just for your name if it revealed a persecuted nationality—all these fears that I had not experienced personally seemed to prompt my fear of having a name. Sometimes my greatest pleasure was in writing it in pencil and then erasing individual letters, watching how my name became unrecognizable.

  I decided to give myself a name that no one would realize was a name. I would call myself Plexiglas or KPRB-ZT, Quiet Evening or Tomorrow’s Weather Forecast. People would think those were random words, but I would call myself that and gradually I would separate myself from my outside name and one day slip out of it like an old skin.

  At work, Mother had a Moscow phone book. When she took me with her, I could open the book at random and plunge into the columns of Kuznetsovs, Matochki
ns, or Shimovs, forcing myself into the crowd; it was a pleasure to know how many surnames there were in the world and if one day everyone decided to change their names, no force could ever restore the original ones.

  So, when they took me to the Alexander Garden to visit the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, I felt that the highest award was permission to be unknown, and I understood that such an award was given to one person and there could be no others.

  There was a second fear paradoxically associated with the first. I remember the creepy feeling of my own inauthenticity, which could not be overcome with a pinprick in my thumb or a look in the mirror; did I exist, was I someone if there were no papers about me? Was I protected, so to speak, from accidental disembodiment, of not being known as me, if my name was not attached to my being, and my inner being, by documents? My parents had passports, ID, passes—what about me?

  I told my parents about this fear, and Mother, trying to reassure me, showed me my birth certificate, but the green booklet did not convince me. It certified the fact of birth but not the fact of my subsequent existence. I thought my parents were hiding something, there had to be a paper just about me, and they’d probably lost it or never got it in the first place, or there was something horrible about me written on it, some stamp of selection and rejection, a sign of unreliability.

  My parents got sick of providing me with reassurance and explanations that there was no other document and ended up raising their voices. The next day, Grandmother Tanya gave me a passport, handmade from a notebook, with a photograph and a state symbol, copied in red pencil from a coin. Even though I understood that she made it for me the night before after overhearing the argument, the passport calmed me down instantly. I never even touched it again, did not take it out of the desk drawer—it was enough to know that it existed.

  I could not have known about the anxieties of earlier years, of not having a passport, not being documented in life; having a passport back then meant the conferment of civilian person-hood, when it was so important to have documents without any notations that restricted your rights; but my fear was real and so was being freed from it.